Celibacy, Promiscuity and the Lies of the Church
Not me rethinking everything the Church has taught us
So I have been thinking a lot about celibacy and whether or not it’s worth it at a certain point. And then Yvonne Orji goes and provides that update that she’s still a virgin at 39. Then this ‘Diary of a Naija Girl’ reader says he’s promised God sexual purity until marriage but all the women he’s meeting are demanding sex beforehand. Which is mind-blowing but at the same time shouldn’t be surprising.
It’s just mind blowing to see a man in that position for once. We don’t see that in the common narrative. No one would believe this was a real thing if this wasn’t a writer to a popular instablog. (First of all, DANG’s community-building strategy is absolute genius, though it’s nothing new, nothing that newspapers haven’t been doing for generations.)
Antywhoot. I have been thinking about this sexual purity in regards to myself and my dating life. I have been either celibate or aiming for celibacy the majority of my adult life. I remember having a conversation with my parents as a teen in which I committed to waiting until I was 18 or something. There was never a discussion about waiting until marriage. I was probably exposed to some teachings that made me want to wait–that would’ve had to have been TV or books. It could also have been the fact that tho your girl was a baddie, there were three Black dudes at my school worth my interest–in a school of maybe a thousand. Most of the boys I had crushes on were white and the one brother that I “dated” ended up being trash. I definitely wasn’t interested in or ready for intimacy in that “relationship”.
So there definitely weren’t enough people trying to get me preggers for me to have a real conundrum in high school. Two of my “friends” lost their virginities to older dudes in my senior year, one of them ended up having a baby for her dude, who I understand was not there for her in the end…
When I finally decided to give it up–in college–I just really wanted it. I was with someone that I really cared about, who cared about me, and the temptation had been there for a while and eventually I just said, I want to get it over with and know what it’s like.
Felt amazing and grown afterwards. Walking on cloud nine. And then not too long after, I was no longer interested in him. I was disillusioned. Sex was great, but not all it was cut out to be.
College provided so many boy options that I was curious. Ended up getting married to a boy a met in college and this was after I started going to church and becoming conscious of this “no sex before marriage” idea.
From then on, my relationships were characterized by either 1) not wanting to have sex at first, but often giving in to desire or 2) turning everyone I loved into my “husband” right away which made sex seem ok emotionally.
I think I was just a serial monogamist who could only get turned on by commitment, partnership, emotional intimacy. There were definitely sexcapades that didn’t fit this bill tho.
So I’ve come to a reckoning about how I view this rule. I just no longer feel that it always serves our best interest in all the ways. I think sexual purity is actually about sexual discipline and truth and honesty. The reason the Church institution likely had to impose these rules about “sexual morality” is because niggas weren’t honest with each other, and didn’t take responsibility for their actions.
Can you imagine a society in which everybody is honest about who they want to be intimate with? In which people are so whole that we don’t seek sex for comfort or distraction or just to replace that missing experience of touch? I’m actually here for sex being a sacred experience between two or more people who are deeply spiritually committed to each other. I don’t really like the idea of folks just using it whenever they get a little stimulated. But I do think there’s a safer middle ground that we’re not exploring.
We talk a lot about unwanted pregnancies and abortion. Sexual morality is supposed to [airquotes] prevent these things [/airquotes]. But it seems over history, the more that collectivism has suppressed sexual freedom, the more “immorality” we see.
Get this. If women were empowered to control our reproductive cycle (as we once were in indigenous cultures), we wouldn’t be afraid of sex due to the fear of unwanted pregnancy and a life disruption. There was a time (and there are still places in the world) where women knew how to prevent pregnancy (and disease) between a combination of moon cycle mapping, cosmic understanding and herbal tonics.
If women had the freedom to explore the fullness of our sexuality without worrying about societal judgement, rejection, physical harm maybe we’d be a ton more powerful than we’ve been since patriarchy took over. Maybe if we didn’t have to spend so much energy trying to fit into the right boxes in order to attract or keep a partner, that would free us up to manifest our highest spiritual and tangible abilities. Maybe niggas would really have cause to fear us then.
I just no longer believe that God is about all these hard rules and punishments that people like to associate Them with. I believe that’s all humans. I do believe the road to God / to the “Kingdom of Heaven” is narrow, but in the way that so few people will actually embrace TRUTH and Spiritual purity. This to me is an authenticity in your relationship to the Divine and to yourself. This is a tapping into Divine power, free from ego and negative judgement. Being truly good.
The connection that we seek through casual sex is maybe best served by truly intimate, authentic friendships and living a life of purpose. If that were the case, then sex really could be something that you just do with your committed spouse or life partner(s), right?
There are also the physiological needs that sex addresses. More pronounced in men than in women, there are very real physiological consequences for a life without consistent sexual intimacy.
As much as I value the beauty, joy and power in a lifelong relationship/partnership, I’ve seen that people who are truly committed to their spiritual freedom, evolution and Liberation are people who change dramatically over the course of their lives. What are the chances that someone like that meets someone else who is on a similar path and remains committed to the same interests, passions and desires forever?
This one-man-one-woman-forever idea made sense when humans were dense and were restricted to a certain amount of information in our lifetimes. But now that we know so much better and we have so much better, especially about what worked in history, is it really realistic to expect one person to fulfill all your romantic needs for a lifetime?
Don’t get me wrong, I love this idea and this possibility for us. But it seems more and more far away when I look at what’s actually happening on the dating and marriage landscape. I’m realizing that the Church really don’t know it all, and that the Church is full of people who are suppressing their deepest desires due to a commitment to scriptural and societal “obedience”.
I just don’t see the light of fullness, of fulfillment, of peace, of maximum joy in these people as I see in people in the so called New World movement. There, I see people who are expansive, emotionally and pyschosocially free, Liberated, getting what they want in life.
As opposed to people who are tied into certain social and scriptural constrictions who really seem miserable to me if I’m honest. People who “only exist in Christ” and therefore can not see past their noses on so many issues.
Alright that’s it for now. Let me know your thoughts, I’d love to hear them.